Something That We’re Not

Niall is a moron.

 

He’s a right moron, and he knows it. He knows it as soon as he rolls over in bed and finds Liam asleep next to him.

 

This isn’t the first time that he’s known it. He doesn’t even think it’s the second time – the real second time he was too pissed to remember it (Guinness had never agreed with him, despite his Irish blood) so he supposes that didn’t really count as knowing it.

 

This time, however? He knows it.

 

Liam shuffles a little in his sleep and Niall’s heart speeds up in his chest, pumping blood through his veins and waking him up. He wishes he could just fall asleep and make everything okay again, but he can’t.

 

Which is really too bad because for once they actually have the day off, and now he’s awake early instead of sleeping away the precious free minutes as he’d prefer.

 

“Good morning, beautiful,” Liam mumbles, barely opening his eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Niall replies dumbly, not sure of what else to say. Which is exactly the problem and the entire reason he’s found himself in bed with Liam again.

 

And now he’s going to have to have that awkward conversation with Liam again, only this time it’s going to be harder because he’s certainly telling Liam he doesn’t have any kind of romantic feelings for him, but he hasn’t done a great job of showing it.

 

Niall mentally berates himself. There are millions of girls flinging themselves at him daily – he knows if he fancies just a shag it’d be easier to just pick up one of them. The inevitable conversation the next morning would be a lot easier too.

 

Just one problem with that, and it’s not exactly a small one. The idea of doing that with a female is so repulsive to Niall that he nearly vomits in his mouth a little bit. And picking up one of their male fans is out of the question, because management is clear that this can never get out.

 

So he’s stuck fucking his bandmate who just happens to be in love with him.

 

Niall sighs.

 

When did his life get so complicated?

 

“Niall?” Liam’s voice cuts through his thoughts, and Niall turns to face him.

 

“Huh?”

 

Liam snuggles up to him and kisses him lightly on the cheek. It’s like daggers poking him and stabbing him in all the emotionally wrong places. Niall cringes and thinks it’s cruel that those just so happen to be all the physically right ones.

 

“What’s wrong, love?”

 

He wants to scream at Liam that’s precisely what’s wrong – he’s not his love!!

 

But this is his own damn fault.

 

“Look, Liam,” Niall stammers. He’s never quite been one with words, but this takes the proverbial cake. Why can’t Liam just understand that it’s purely physical for him? He doesn’t have feelings for him, and Christ, he’s tried. He’s tried and tried, and even gone so far as to look through the Niam tag on tumblr to change the way he feels about his friend so all of this could just be easier but no.

 

No, his feelings stay buried and only arise when…well…

 

Liam nips at Niall’s ear.

 

With every fibre of his being, Niall gently shoves Liam off of him and slides off the bed.

 

“Where are you going?” Liam asks, but Niall is sure that he already knows. It’s not like they haven’t had this conversation before.

 

Niall starts again, running his fingers through his messed up hair, dirtying them with the leftover product from the night before.

 

“I’m just… I’m not…” I don’t love you Liam.

 

It’s hard for him to say. Because it’s basically like kicking a puppy. Which is a phrase he picked up from the Niam tag, and that’s making this harder in all the wrong ways.

 

Liam raises his eyebrows, and Niall hates himself a little bit. Next time he’s just going to ask Harry and Louis if they want to have a threesome instead of drunkenly banging on Liam’s hotel room door.

 

Niall hates himself more than a little bit.

 

“I’m just not ready for a relationship…” It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not exactly the truth either. If the right person came along, Niall’s sure he would be ready. He’s also sure that Liam’s not the right person.

 

“Right…” Liam replies, as though he’s been expecting this. “But last night-”

 

Niall cuts him off. “It was a stupid mistake, and it won’t happen again.”

 

Liam rolls his eyes. “That’s what you said last time.”

 

Niall knows that. And he’s sort of naive – realistically Niall knows it will probably happen again. Because he’s weak like that. He’s sort of angry because he doesn’t understand why Liam can’t just be okay with the occasional night together?

 

“Right well,” Niall shrugs, not knowing what else to say because he’s absolute rubbish in situations like this. “I’m not, I don’t… you know.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” Liam says, standing up and walking over to the bathroom. “It was just a shag, sure.” He slams the door behind him. Well, a slam for Liam anyway, which is just a slightly less than forceful shutting for anyone else.

 

Niall sighs, but he gathers his things and leaves the room for the walk of shame back to his own. As usual, it was going to be awkward for the next couple of days. It always was when Niall let his fucking guard down.

 

He makes it back to his own room without running into anyone else in the hallway – thank God. He flops down on his bed and closes his eyes, sighing with a hint of relief.

 

He knows that he can’t keep doing this to poor Liam, and he vows that he won’t anymore.

 

However, he also knows that he’s full of shit.

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