Left and Leaving – Chapter 15

Nick,

I don’t even know how to start this. I thought about using some cliché like “this is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write.” But it’s not really. All it is, is me explaining to you my feelings and reasoning behind what I’m about to say to you.

I love you more than anything, and that’s part of why I’m doing this. Sometimes I really feel like you don’t care about me half as much as I care about you. This fact has only been proven since you haven’t phoned me since… last Tuesday? That’s kind of ridiculous, Nick. I know I haven’t called you either but I really don’t think I should be the one putting in all the effort. Especially since whenever I call you, you always seem to be too busy. So I figured you would call me when you have some free time. Either you have no free time, or you just don’t seem to care to talk to me. I really doubt that they’re working you 24/7, Nick.

I’ll admit that I was a little cold to you before you left. I will apologize for that, but I don’t think it warrants the way you’ve been treating me. After we’ve been together for a year, and hell, lived together I think I deserve a little more respect than what I’ve been getting. Even Chris has noticed your lack of effort in the relationship, and that’s saying something. I’m not saying that he’s calling you down or anything like that, but he does tell it like it is.

The fact of the matter is that you care more about your career than you do about me. At least, that’s how it seems. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care about your career, but would it really be that hard to phone me and tell me that you love and miss me? I could understand you acting this way if I had been just some month long fling, but come on, Nick! We had a relationship, and a pretty serious one at that. Maybe you don’t like to hear the word serious, and maybe it makes you uncomfortable but that’s what it was.

At least, that’s what I thought it was when you asked me to uproot my entire life to live in Florida with you! Don’t get me wrong, I love my life in Florida and I’m glad I ended up moving here, but I never would have done it if it weren’t for you.

I don’t know what else I can say, Nick. I’m sorry we had a rough time these past couple months. Even through all that, I never stopped loving you. I was angry and frustrated with you, but I never stopped wanting to be with you. I still haven’t really stopped wanting to be with you, but the stress has become too much for me to handle.

Please move on without me, even though I’m sure you already have.

~Camille

The words played over and over again in Nick’s head. The entire e-mail didn’t make much sense to him, and it certainly wasn’t her style at all. Camille always wanted to talk to him, even when he was shutting her out. So breaking up with him via e-mail was something he hadn’t expected from her at all.

And the nerve! She was breaking up with him? After the way she’d acted, the way that she’d treated him, she actually had the audacity to end things with him. After he’d gotten home from the bar, he’d gone to check his e-mail and there it was, staring him in the face.

With a very misleading subject line, one might add. I love you.

I love you.

Nick had clicked into the message feeling a bit of hope. Possibly as explanation as to why she hadn’t contacted him or bothered to call. His mind had raced as the page had loaded, perhaps he phone had broken, or something had come up at school… but this.

He hadn’t expected this, and he wasn’t sure what to do.

And what was up with her saying he hadn’t called her since last Tuesday? He’d called a week ago, around this very time actually. Had she never gotten the message? No… Chris would have told her. But it wasn’t like Camille to make things up either. The entire e-mail didn’t make sense!

Nick hadn’t responded to it. He’d read it over a few times, carefully deciphering each and every word. This was a joke – it had to be. There was no way Camille was breaking up with him. Not after she’d seemed to want to do anything to keep their relationship alive.

Nick didn’t think he’d done much wrong. Sure, he’d been a little rude to her, and treated her with a bit of a lack of respect before he’d left… but that didn’t warrant her ending things with him, did it?

Or maybe it was because he really hadn’t been able to buckle down and make the commitment.

Regardless, Nick had no idea what to think, or what to do. He’d paced around his house, trying to come up with a logical explanation. He didn’t even fully understand why she’d ended it with him. The e-mail was five hundred words long, and it really didn’t say much. Or perhaps it said everything and he just didn’t want to believe it.

No, that couldn’t be it. He’d been dumped before, but at least those girls had given him a clear reason. Camille only babbled about how she’d felt hurt and unloved, but Nick had phoned her! He hadn’t called back, because she hadn’t… but she didn’t seem to know that he’d called. Maybe if he phoned her to try and explain, it would fix things.

Yes, not phoning her (apparently) had been what had caused this, so phoning her would be the way to fix it, right? That was the only solution Nick could see. So, he dialled her number as quick as he could and waited.

It rang once, twice, three times…

And then it went to voicemail.

So he called her again.

And again, and again, until he decided to give up, figuring that maybe she’d already gone to bed. She wouldn’t be ignoring his calls, no. Again, it was very unlike her. Whenever she was angry or upset with him her favourite thing to do was to yell at him and let him know exactly why. Breaking up with him in an e-mail and then not answering her phone just wasn’t her style. There had to be more to this.

Nick thought for a brief moment about calling Chris and asking him what was going on with Camille. Surely Camille had talked to him, she talked to him about everything, especially her relationship troubles. But Nick really didn’t want to get Chris involved or put him in the middle.

He figured maybe he should send her an e-mail back, but he didn’t want to appear too weak. He’d already phoned her multiple times, and whether she was sleeping or ignoring his calls, she’d already seen that. Sighing, Nick crawled into his bed and attempted to sleep. He would call her again in the morning, and if that didn’t work he would send her a quick e-mail.

The thought didn’t even cross his mind that a large portion of this might be his fault.

***

Camille sat blankly on her bed. She stared at her phone as it rang. Nick’s number flashing across the screen. She shook her head, not interested in hearing his scapegoats and excuses. She knew that if she picked up the phone she would end up giving in to him, and as much as she wanted to, she knew it was for the best to stay away.

But the phone didn’t stop ringing. She found it ironic, really. Nick couldn’t be bothered to call her when they were still together, but the second she dangled breaking up in front of his face the phone rang off the hook.

Maybe her message had made him realize how much of an ass he was being. Maybe he was phoning her with a promise to change his ways.

Somehow, she doubted that. She pictured Nick sitting in front of his computer, feeling as though he’d lost some game with himself, and not fully understanding what he’d done wrong at all.

She gulped a little, forcing back the tears that were sure to come. Nick phoned her six times before finally giving up. She waited for a second for her phone to let her know that she had a new voice message, but it didn’t. Nick had called, but he didn’t care enough to leave her a pleading voice mail. Camille wasn’t sure how she felt about that. On one hand, she did want the stress of the relationship to be over, but she did want Nick to fight for her as well.

She didn’t really know what she wanted. All she knew was that she couldn’t continue the way things were and with Nick being gone she saw no way to fix the situation.

With a heavy heart, and more confused about her feelings than ever, Camille turned her phone off and stared at the ceiling. Hopefully she could learn from this experience with Nick and be able to move on with her life, just as she had instructed him to.

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